My Story | Abuser Behind the Badge (Part 1)

The day I met my abuser 2019

My story has multiple parts and there will be multiple layers over time, but because this is in regards to domestic violence I want to start with this part of my story first. This part of my story is meant to give hope and courage to those who are in the fight. Trying to find ways out. The statistic show that 1:4 women encounter abuse from a spouse | partner. I never in a million years thought for a second I would be in that statistic. The scarier statistic it takes 7 times leaving for it to be successful - and some don't make it out alive. This chapter of my story, though I wish I could burn it and erase it, is still a part of my story and I'm determined to give a voice to those who don't have one, yet! 

To give context where I was mentally here’s a bit of background - my mom was an alcoholic and drug addict. She did get sober on 3.30.2010 after an ultimatum I gave in weeks prior to my son being born. She was an incredible grandmother, but a terrible mother. There will be more on this part of my story later. My mom died on 10.26.2018 and this is where this part of my story starts. 

I had been married for 7 years when I had asked for a divorce in May 2019. This came after my mom’s loss and learning that my husband at the time was unfaithful (which was a trend in our marriage). I had enough and was done, but more to it he couldn’t understand my grief and wanted to push me to be someone I just couldn’t be during that period of my life. I was done. Of course, he had kicked and screamed and demanded that we make it work for our kids. He would change, he would try to understand my grief, and he would do everything in his power to make this work. If you know me, you will know I’m headstrong, and when my mind is made up - that’s that. 

During this time period, I had switched jobs. I went from working at the hospital to working a government job with a more stable schedule. It was a dream job. I worked directly with the Judge Executive and helped manage his day-to-day life in the office. Working there I was all over the County and would visit different offices and step in where I needed to be. In June of 2019, HR had put on a training at the CSEPP building which involved all the County employees having to attend on a certain day. This training went over company policies, fire extinguisher training, active shooter drills, etc. And it was then, I crossed paths with my abuser. 

During the active shooter drill the fire department came in. They all sat in the back of the room and I had received an alert on SnapChat that someone had added me. I looked around and there he was, standing next to the fire chief and they both were smiling. No big deal. The chief and I were friends and it was innocent enough. The conversation started that day and we hit it off. Innocent conversation, his job in the fire department, Fire Captain, which meant he was command on the scenes and a manager on the day-to-day. Which meant he didn’t truly fight the fires. It sounded interesting enough. The question came up if I was married. I said, yes and no, I was separated at the time, but my spouse was kicking and screaming demanding we make it work. He stated he was in a similar situation. He was very relatable. I told myself we can be friends. I didn’t want anything after being in a 7 year marriage. He said the same, but then feelings happened. He was everything my ex-husband wasn't. I told him about the grief of losing my mom the prior year. I told him how I was in the process of moving my dad in with me so we could sell his house and he could live the retired life. He knew everything. On my rough days, he would swing by the Judges Office just to say "hey". On days where grief was overwhelming, he would sneak by the house and drop by my favorite candy, favorite energy drink, and a note that said keep going. Those actions are what made me fall. However, I noticed there were signs. 

I didn’t fully trust he was in the process of getting separated and divorced. I noticed he would talk less on days he wasn’t on shift. He would find something to do so he could call / text me. We would meet before he went into shift at a gas station to just say hi to each other. My gut was telling me he was still completely married and she had no idea, but we were friends and it was innocent. Until, it wasn’t. 

This part of my story - I am not proud of. Please know this. I would never EVER do this, because I was the wife discovering the other woman for 7 years. This pain, I would not recommend to anybody, but truly I didn’t know. 

In July 2019, things had escalated. At night, when he was on shift, I would park in the parking lot and he would come out to my car and we would talk. We had an intense conversation on one particular night about our spouses and how we had both wished they would just let us go. He kissed me. And told me, I was everything he had wished for years ago. I felt the same, but we were not in a place to be in a relationship. A few weeks later, he dropped the “love” bomb on me. He said that things were progressing in his separation and he was going to make this work. At this point, my spouse had moved out. He took a job promotion and moved back to Tennessee, though he traveled between 3 states and made sure to get the boys on his weekends. 

In August 2019, I knew something was off. We were still “sneaking” and meeting at the gas station. Even on his off days he would say he had to go into town and he would meet me at our spot. My gut said to not go that day, but I did. It was then, I learned that he was still in his marriage with his wife as she showed up and banged on the truck window. I looked at him shocked. I asked him what was going on. He said she was just crazy. I went home that night and knew that he had been lying that he never had even asked for a divorce and I was officially the other woman. This escalated in the work environment as it was brought to the Judge’s attention what was going on. I told my side of the story. He told his side. We were fine in the work environment, but we were told when he was on shift I was not to make an appearance. Fair enough, right. That’s when I started seeing signs of his possessive side. The fire chief, I mentioned above, was a friend of mine. He stated we have all been there and that if it was meant to be it would work out. He was right. This made my abuser insanely mad. He told me he was just hitting on me. Trying to weasel his way in. Yes, I’m aware I should have ended it when I found out he was still married. Again, I’m not proud of this story. It was in September of 2019 that I started looking for another job. I worked primarily with men at the County. He didn’t like that I had to communicate with so many so often. And by October, I had switched career paths back to Real Estate - thinking this would solve all of our problems. We wouldn’t have any more issues working together. I would have my own job, which paid better, and I would be working on an all women's team. This would help. 

During this time frame, he had also truly filed for divorce. She had moved out and we could actually try being “us”. 

Part 2